feeling hot, hot, hot!

I have had the good fortune to not be afflicted by too many dire ailments in my life. Yes, there was one bout of walking pneumonia when I was eight that left me hacking up a lung for a while. And during college, I fell ill with the flu and couldn’t summon the energy to lift my head in the direction of the Season 3 DVDs of Grey’s Anatomy I was screening, despite being intensely curious about the fate of Derek and Meredith‘s relationship. So clearly the situation was a bit alarming. I do, however, contend that the illness wouldn’t have dragged out for as long as it did if I hadn’t run the Marine Corps Marathon three weeks later.

Ahem.

But there is one chronic condition I suffer from that has the power to bring me to my knees. It’s called Jalapeño Eye. That’s a technical term, and I’m pretty sure it has its own WebMD entry. It usually arises after a well-meaning attempt at adding heat to an otherwise non-threatening dish like chana punjabi. Without thinking twice, you slice open the tiny, bright pepper you procured at the market, scrape out its heat-packed seeds and ribs with your fingernail, and generally proceed to spread spice molecules all over your hands without a care in the world. You will then scrub your hands vigorously with dish soap and hot water, thinking you’ve gotten them really, virtuously clean.

The next morning, after you place a contact squarely against your right eyeball, the symptoms will begin. They generally include sharp, stabbing pain that radiates from your eye out to the center of your forehead, incessant weeping, and rolling around the floor in abject agony. The only treatment is to wear your glasses to work that day. You know, that pair you only use when you’re wandering around your apartment in a groggy haze in the morning, because they’re sinfully ugly. Side effects, once you arrive at work, will include your feeling like an awkward middle-school student again, and embarrassment at the prospect of exchanging pleasantries with your coworkers.

It’s bad news.

So when I received approximately 39,103 hot peppers in my very last CSA bag of the season, you could imagine my disinclination to even look at them, for fear that Jalapeño Eye was an airborne disease. Also, what can you make with that many hot peppers, really?

But against my better judgment, I settled on making homemade hot sauce, and I’m so glad I did. (For the record, my newly-purchased pair of latex pepper-chopping gloves are partially responsible for my fond memories of this experience.) It’s a simple process, really: soften your chili peppers with garlic, salt, and a couple of sweet bell peppers in a simmering vinegar bath, then purée the mess into a smooth, lip-smackingly spicy condiment. Part of the beauty of this recipe is that it requires a three-day rest in the refrigerator, which allows the sweet and hot and garlic notes to produce some pitch-perfect chords. Then you’re free to drizzle the potion on anything that deserves to be sexed up: scrambled eggs, earthy fall soups, plates of Asian noodles. Seems foolproof enough, no? Just don’t forget the gloves. And in case you ever do, it wouldn’t hurt to buy a pair of cute specs so you can weather those bouts of Jalapeño Eye in style.

GARLICKY RED CHILI HOT SAUCE
Makes approximately 2 cups
Adapted from Melissa Clark (accompanying article here), via Seven Spoons

Ingredients
- 4-5 very hot red or orange chili peppers (such as habañero)
- 2 small red bell peppers, roughly chopped
- 5 cloves garlic, roughly chopped
- 3/4 cup distilled white vinegar
- 1/2 tsp. salt

Preparation
1) Wearing gloves (this is important!), chop the chili peppers—seeds, ribs and all—into rough pieces. Discard the stems.
2) Combine all ingredients in a medium saucepan and heat on medium-high until vinegar mixture is boiling. Taking care not to inhale the (stinging) vapors, cover the pot and reduce heat to a simmer. Let cook 7-10 minutes, or until peppers have softened.
3) Transfer the contents of the pot to a blender or food processor, and purée until smooth.
4) Store tightly covered in the refrigerator for three days, to allow flavors to deepen. Sauce will keep, refrigerated, for up to a few months.